Dog Trouble
by Writing1sLife
Summary: The Aristocats have been kidnapped by their greedy butler, Edgar, and now he travels the streets and countryside attempting to find a place to leave them. Unfortunately, the old mill is not abandoned as it might appear at first glance.


Edgar had a rather guilty conscience about what he was doing. The cats were in a drugged sleep inside their basket. Said basket rested gently in the cab attached to the bike and as for the bike, it kept backfiring causing the hat on Edgar's head to keep comically shooting up in the air off his head only to land square in place every time. (Hey its physics pure and simple, don't judge me. I just narrate; stop looking at me like that).

He had made a mistake out of concern when he neared the police station for he maneuvered as quickly as he could away from the place only to find himself going down the steps towards the subway. He quickly got back out of there somehow. (Don't ask me man, its just pure authentic action and no, I don't have the time to explain it all.)

Across bridges and down streets, until he was going down countryside roads, Edgar kept going. He didn't know where to leave them, he was simply determined to leave them far from London so that they had no hope of returning. His path took him by an old windmill that slowly turned in the night air. Large stacks of gathered hay dotted the landscape. Under a large barrow, rested a large St. Bernard. The one thing that was notable was his ears because one had slowly perked up. The rumbling and backfiring of Edgar's movements had reached him.

Now fully alert, he rose and BWUMP! "MMPH!" he snorted shaking his head in annoyance at bumping his head. "Hey Lafayette! Where are you?" he called putting his head down on something that was in a haystack. "Lafayette!" No response that he was aware of. "Lafayette!"

"Well I'm right here!" yelled the poor Basset hound whose ear the other had stepped on without thinking so that he could not pull himself off the ground to respond. It was always like this with the poor guy trailing after the larger dog. They were what appeared to be strays at first glance, but in fact they lived on the farm and had made a living out of listening. Well, at least one of them was always listening.

"Listen! Wheels approaching." The Bernard stepped off Lafayette's ear and began walking for the gate.

"Oh Napoleon," groaned Lafayette fully emerging from the haystack where he had been resting comfortably, "we done bit six whole tires today! Chased four motor cars and bicycle and scooter!"

"Hush yer mouth!" snapped Napoleon. They shared, possessed rather, an antagonistic relationship together. Lafayette was always the receiver of lesser things, always given orders, always this, always that, but never in charge or permitted to lead.

The St. Bernard lifted up his right ear and cocked his head towards the noise. "It's a motorcycle. Two-cylinder, chain drive, one squeaky wheel on the front its sounds like." They began trotting down to the wooden gate which was open. "Now you go for the tires," instructed Napoleon, "and I'll go right for the _seat_ of the problem."

"How come you always grab the tender part for yerself?" groaned Lafayette turning his head to look at Napoleon and causing himself to trip over his long floppy right ear.

"Cause I outrank ya that's why," Napoleon gruffly replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Now stop beatin' your gums and sound the attack!"

Woof! Woof-woof-woof! Woof! Woof! Woo-woo-woo-woof! Woof!

Napoleon grimaced in annoyance. "That's _mess call_!"

"Heh-heh! Made a mess of it, huh?" chuckled Lafayette.

"You can be replaced ya know?" continued Napoleon grumpily.

"Okay let's charge. Who-ooft!" Napoleon stepped on the hound's tail stopping him so he fell flat out in front of the fence.

"Wait a minute. _I'm_ the leader. I'll decide when we go." He paused for a moment. "Here we go. _CHARGE!_ " He leapt over Napoleon down the road with the hound charging after him joyfully. **Bu-bu-bum-ba-bum!** (Insert the bugle sounds for charge or something of that nature. Hey don't look at me. I didn't write this silly story. I just read the script. Stop criticizing me.)

Down the road the dogs ran howling and baying. Edgar, needless to say, freaked out at the sight of the two dogs on the bridge. He promptly swerved out of control and went down the side of the hill losing the basket with the cats in it as the bike went bumpity bumpity down into the drink. The dogs promptly ran after him into the water. (Okay this is where it gets interesting. Just…bear with me okay. The writer obviously had a very overactive imagination.)

Edgar promptly drove out of the water on the underside of the bridge, the circle, with the dogs running after him. (I know it's against the laws of gravity.) And then did so a _second_ time. (Sound effects time.) Vroom! Ruff, ruff, runwaywhat-goomph! Vroom! Grruff! Gruff! RRRRGGUUUPHTT! (They wrote it, not me. Guess I don't speak dog.)

With a watery roar Edgar went up the other side of the hill and caught up to twenty feet of air and landed with a tremendous Brash! before continuing along with a Put! Put! of the bike. The side car was full of water, and two things that _weren't_ the basket full of the cats. Edgar looked over to be sure everything was all right…well obviously it wasn't _all_ right because angry eyes stared back at him from the hat he had lifted up. Edgar gave a yelp of alarm and was instantly fully standing on the handle bars, rump completely exposed for biting.

Which Napoleon promptly did, exposing Edgar's unsophisticated boxers. "Yeow! Nicedoggydogbenice! Heelrolloverplaydeadaauugghhh!" (A rather crude, _crude_ mind you, translation of Edgar's rushed babbling as he was spinning like crazy cause the handle bars on the bike were loose so he kept spinning in circles. What do these people do for a living? Its beyond me. Yes, I am rolling my eyes.)

The last part was because both dogs bit him at the same time getting spun around with Edgar. Except, Lafayette had grabbed a coat tail instead of the "tender part" and his grip slipped. (More sound effects.) Fwipt! Crash! Pssswheeettt! BNNNNN! (Again, bear with me guys. Sigh. This job is so tough.)

Lafayette went into a tree only to be rocketed right back at Edgar who had seized his umbrella and was still standing on the handle bars, with the bike still impossibly still going forward, while beating the tar out of Napoleon desperately. Lafayette collided with Edgar's rump sending him with a "YEOW!" off the bike while the hound joined his partner in crime in the side car as the airborne Edgar braked his unbelievable flight with his umbrella. (Tough umbrella, that, to hold a man's weight.)

Napoleon took the driver's seat with joy while Lafayette reclined joyfully in the cab. He chuckled. "This sure beats runnin' Napoleon!" He was still laughing when he noticed the same thing that the other did: they were running straight towards a tree! BWOCK! The connection between cab and bike was severed with Lafayette going left, Napoleon right. Lafayette steered his one-wheeled craft around and went in the opposite direction back towards his partner. (Steered. Yeah, I don't get it either. But, hey, I couldn't possibly begin to do that. Probably because I'm not a dog.)

Edgar's umbrella (yes, he was still aloft somehow, drifting slowly down) gave out and flipped upward so he suddenly plunged down and landed miraculously on the bike with Napoleon. Both sides suddenly gave a start as they realized they were charging on a collision course with the other. Napoleon leapt into Edgar's arms and Edgar clung to him. But both ended up swinging past the other only for Lafayette to arrest his course and turn about thanks to having grasped Edgar's pink, and exceedingly strong, suspenders and hanging on. The two collided as the suspenders snapped the hound, cab and all, back towards the bike. (Rather snappy those suspenders. But seriously though, I would have thought the jokes were over by now. Guess the writers had a lot of time.)

The vehicles (vehicles?) approached the windmill and Edgar leapt up and clung to one of the blades but Napoleon quickly leapt after him and got another good bite in, and held on. All this time (for reasons that never make sense, guess it was supposed to be silly) the bike and cab with Lafayette kept racing in circles around the mill. Edgar kept hanging on while Napoleon skidded to a halt on the ground having ripped off another chunk of the butler's pants.

BWANG! The bike ran him over, hat and all. Needless to say, the Bernard watched it continue onwards with shock. (Why would he do that? Don't know. Never been run over before.) Lafayette was observing all of this when the next blade hooked him by the collar and carried him after Edgar. (Pure accident of course, but who's really looking?) And the cab also proceeded to run over Napoleon. (Funny, and the guy deserved it. Sir, put down the tomato, I am entitled to my opinion even if I am reading _your_ script.)

Needless to say, Edgar noted the hound's presence and quickly leapt from the blade he was on and the dog right after him. Somehow Edgar still had his umbrella with him and it was open again while Lafayette caught the butler's legs and began spiraling in a circle downward. Napoleon ran in a circle down below pushing the cab around seeking to catch the butler. Edgar didn't fall; rather his shoes did, for Lafayette slid down and the shoes came off with the hand leaving Edgar's feet bare and devoid of covering and dog. Napoleon gave a start when he realized that the human was not in the cab but quickly noticed Lafayette eagerly pointing. Neither dog failed to notice the umbrella give out (again) and Edgar somehow landing atop the motorcycle (again). The chase was on! "Step on the gas Napoleon!" Lafayette eagerly called back, emphatically gesturing for more speed.

"I got 'er wide open!" called back his partner leaning down behind the cab and goosing it hard with his feet.

They caught up and Lafayette reached out and caught the bike but Napoleon attempted to straighten his course with just one wheel and the bike leaned to one side. All of this caused the hound to be comically stretched like an accordion between the two. Zrrrrriiiiinnnkkkkk! (insert trumpet sound effects for the hanging on.) Edgar noticed and, with a nasty smile) proceeded to step on the hound's hands. He fell back into the cab but quickly shook life back into his hands with a frustrated growl determined to try again.

No need to bother. The butler's bike swerved just right and his right foot wound up planted on the cab but then his legs split like a wishbone so that he was "running" on his hands on the ground with no umbrella looking absolutely ridiculous. Lafayette smiled at the opportunity to have the "tender part" and rolled up a pant leg. (Insert whatever crunchy sound effects you want here, I'm tired of reading this thing.) The dog promptly began chomping the leg like a prime piece of chicken. (Can't describe the man's face here. Use your imagination.) "DOOOWWW!" yelped the butler somehow leaping back on to the bike. (Amazing what pain makes you capable of.)

The pursuers and the pursued split in their paths and the cab with both dogs ran into a fence, sending both headlong into the mud of the pig pen. BBBBWEEEE! SPLAT! SPLAT!

Edgar laughed at that heedless of just _where_ he was headed. KKKRRROOOOMMM! Headlong and _through_ the other side of the windmill. Needless to say, the man moved it a good ten to fifteen feet from its original place. (Math is not my strong suit. Sorry. Best guess.) With that, Edgar sped off into the night minus his original cargo. All he wanted now was to get home.

(Would want the same as him after an experience like _that_. Good night everybody! Phew!)


End file.
